A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
HERE’S MARKY
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Morning my dudes.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]