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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Twitter remains undefeated
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.