@StoferComic: A picture's worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.
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@jonnysun: a bird doesnt sing becuase it has an answer. it sings becuase birds are jerks who like to hear the sound of their own voice
@beefman138: I meant to type : You're dear to me. I actually typed : You're dead to me. Losing friends is easy.
@matt___nelson: [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: "what can I get u?" "do u have any eucalyptus?" *restaurant goes quiet*
@PaperWash: Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife