I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
NASA has no chill
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
