[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”