@OreoSpeedwagon_: Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear

@novicefather: My wife is addicted to goji berries but I wish she was addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.

@HrBry: Maybe she's born with zits, maybe it's methamphetamine

@FatherWithTwins: My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he's my new accountant

@tinatbh: All my friends look like a Victoria's Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake