@hythemafia: Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.......

@ceejoyner: Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.

@TheCiscoKidder: The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

@Parkerlawyer: So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@Matt_The_1st: "Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter