A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
me adding lol on a serious message
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Twitter fine art
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen