The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Check your privilege
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky