a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.