A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
What number SPF blocks people?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
do what now??
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂