A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
goldfish mafia
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.