A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
You Might Also Like
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Brilliant!
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?