A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”