A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
This is my brand.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.