A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You Might Also Like
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*