[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”