A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it