A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty