@cheeky__gal: A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he's done with the place.
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@GatewayHug: *Holding my newborn son* Wife: What about Mike? Me: Yeah that's it, great name! *Drops Mike*
@AlisonLeiby: I'm calling Facebook "Mom" now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins' birthdays.
@BradBroaddus: I don't always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.