A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
This made me smile…
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”