A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
You Might Also Like
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.