Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately