A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
You Might Also Like
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*