@LizHackett: A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn't want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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@Reverend_Scott: Carl: Gonna be a hot one today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions. Me: Fair enough, Carl.
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
@wendchymes: Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off