A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You Might Also Like
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.