A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The USS B port
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.