Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Owl Sanctuary
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”