I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.