@omgthatspunny: A pouch potato 😂
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@Angibangie: Me: Do you have assorted cheeses? Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus? Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus? Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
@TheHyyyype: GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face ME: *gets really close* i'm two months behind on my rent
@iwearaonesie: *power goes out* wife: Great, I just bought ice cream me [already eating it] I'm on it