A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.