A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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Covid like
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
just witnessed a drug deal
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.