My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The cashier just checked me out.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?