DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
#titanic