a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me