a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.