@1evilidiot: A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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@rachxthompson: me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they're the size of Australia
@dshack8: 6yo Son: Dad, why'd you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower? Me: How's ice cream for dinner sound?
@TimB5150: I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!