A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️