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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week