[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My biological clock is wheezing.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE