a public service announcement
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
THIS HEADLINE
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing