a public service announcement
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’m listening
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.