him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.