SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.