@FootballCliches: A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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@murrman5: [backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
@MrSpoonicorn: don't you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV
@therealeatwood: ME: Leave me alone! You’re not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton.
@Shade510: Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow. Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny's parking lot.