A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Rt to bother an English speaker
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.