@sarcasticmommy4: A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."
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@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding? ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT
@_sleepysmile: People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating.
@AmishPornStar1: Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.