@sarcasticmommy4: A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."
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@rickkondell: The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
@SirEviscerate: [Lab] Co-worker: "Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
@TheToddWilliams: Daddy, where do oranges come from? Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other...
@Majorboobage: 9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married. Me: That's every culture son.