A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”