“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
#CoronaOutbreak
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Shortcut
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.