“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.