Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?