A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”