A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.