Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Are we there yet?…
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.