A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.