A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu