A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Imma just leave this here…………
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god